Philemon - Forgiving a Brother

LINK: Philemon

BACKGROUND

Philemon was probably a wealthy member of the Colossian church and the master of the runaway slave, Onesimus. Paul wrote this letter in about A.D. 60 in order to convince Philemon to forgive Onesimus and welcome him back as a brother in Christ.  

REFLECTION

From The Daily Walk, December 6/7, 2008:

Reconciling a difference is never easy and seldom pleasant, but Paul's letter provides a much-needed model in the delicate task of asking for and accepting forgiveness.   

Paul does not minimize the wrong suffered. Forgiveness is not blind to the facts, and Paul does not condone Onesimus's behavior toward Philemon. At the same time, Paul pleads for forgiveness on the basis of another's merit. Forgiving one another is possible because Jesus provided the model.

Paul promises to repay any debt owed by Onesimus. Forgiveness demands personal involvement. There is a price to be paid in terms of time, money, or inconvenience if estranged parties are to be reconciled.

After seeing Paul's model, look at your own relationships. Should you take the first step in forgiving a brother or sister in Christ? It will never be any easier than it is today.  

APPLICATION

This article on the hard work of forgiveness is a favorite.  I bolded some parts for emphasis:

The Thing We Don't Do
Forgiveness is hard work 

by Andrée Seu

Forgiving is the hardest thing you will ever do. That's why most people don't do it. We talk about it, cheer for it, preach on it, and are sure we've practiced it. But mostly the illusion of having forgiven is that the passage of time dulls memory. The ruse will come to light with hair-trigger vengeance when fresh offense hurls in to empty out the gunnysack of half-digested grievances.

I asked a few people if they'd ever forgiven anyone, and what it felt like. They gave me answers so pious I knew they'd never done it. I am at the present moment in the maw of temptation, and I can tell you there is nothing exalted about this feeling, this one-two punch to the gut that comes when you even contemplate forgiving, which is as far as I've come.

At first I decided I would forgive the person—and never speak to him again. This felt pretty good, but I saw the dissimulation in it at once. I alternately toyed with going to him to "tell him his fault" (Matthew 18:15), which is my biblical right, so there. I had the decree of rebuke written up in my head, a document of fastidious and plenary detail—all for his own good. A smarmy satisfaction accompanied the plan, so I nixed it. For now.

In C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce, a woman confronted by an angel about forgiving her husband says, "Well, I have forgiven him as a Christian." The phrase is meaningless. She then bulimically seethes for pages about his wrongdoing and her longsuffering.

Keeping one's mouth shut is commendable, and more than I have managed in the past. It will work as long as I don't go near a phone or e-mail. But I am reminded that "Absalom spoke to Amnon neither good nor bad" for two whole years after the rape of his sister Tamar, and it ate him alive till in the end he killed the man.

O my brothers, you cannot imagine the exquisite verbal retaliations I have hatched in the idle hours, each more perfect than the last: theologically impeccable, legalistically faultless, poisoned prose polished to a lethal point. Must I now relinquish these? Must I kill the little darlings? Are they not to see the light of day? Such a waste.

Forgiveness is a brutal mathematical transaction done with fully engaged faculties. It's my pain instead of yours. I eat the debt. I absorb the misery I wanted to dish out on you, and you go scot-free. Beware the forgiveness that is tendered soon after injury; be suspicious. Real forgiveness needs a time lag, for it is wrought in private agony before it ever comes to public amnesty. All true acts of courage are thus done in secret.

Pastor Tim Keller of Redeemer Church in Manhattan shares the following letter from a man who once had to forgive a woman:

"I forgave her and it took me a whole year and I had to forgive her in small sums over that whole twelve months. I paid those sums whenever I spoke to her and kept myself from rehashing the past. I paid them whenever I saw her with another man and refused self-pity and rehearsal inside for what she'd done to me. I paid them whenever I praised her to others when I really wanted to slice away at her reputation. Those were the payments but she never knew them. However, I never knew her payments, but I know she made them. I could tell."

And now the unthinkable: not only to forgive but seek the good. Nature abhors a vacuum and Jesus admits of no middle ground between hate and love. Pray for him.

When you were a child you thought like a child, that pain was something to flee. Now in the adulthood of faith, suck up your hundred denarii, because someone took your ten thousand talents upon Himself (Matthew 18), and like a lamb led to slaughter and a sheep before its shearers was silent (Isaiah 53:7). He did not retaliate but "continued entrusting Himself to Him who judges justly" (1 Peter 2:23). Be so awash in the ocean of His love, my soul, that the shortcomings of all human loves will, more and more, seem but a trifling thing. (Copyright © 2006 WORLD Magazine, September 30, 2006, Vol. 21, No. 37) 

2023 Update: So bittersweet to see Tim Keller mentioned in this article as he recently passed away. A life well-lived! 

PRAYER

I love the song "Forgiveness" from the musical Jane Eyre. Helen Burns taught Jane about forgiveness, and she can teach us also. I just listened to it again this morning, many years after I wrote this original post, and it is so powerful. The lyrics are on YouTube:

PRAYER

Lord, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Amen.